Rambo

29Jan08

The most anticipated movie since “Rocky Balboa” opened and is subsequently kicking every other movie’s proverbial ass. Electricity in other theaters are going out in cinemas across the nation because every watt available is used to power just one showing of Rambo. Gene Siskel woke up, saw an advanced screening, dubbed the movie “The Best Movie Ever And The End Of Cinema,” reserved two copies for when it comes out on Blu-Ray, and then died again. (If that offends, don’t see this movie).

It’s about fucking time Hollywood got it right. The American public does not want story, dialogue, acting, angles or anything else historically associated with cinema. We want shit being destroyed! If we can’t (legally) shoot someone with armor-piercing bullets, making appendages fly every which way, tearing flesh with every pull of a trigger, we better damn well be able to see it! For my money, it was the best $10 (damn, movies are expensive now) I’ve ever spent. Ever.

John Rambo, that beloved, distant, shell-shocked Vietnam vet has become a snake catcher in Thailand. There are atrocities being committed like clockwork at some Burmese village which a bunch of missionaries believe they can completely “fix” with the power of Christ. When they ultimately fuck themselves over, a bunch of mercenaries are hired to get these beloved white people back. Rest assured that the decapitation from the trailers/teasers is not even close to the pinnacle of the blood-gushing horror that occurs. Every possible bad thing you Kudos to Sly for being up with the political correctness of the current times, as the mutilation takes an equal opportunity stance, killing and wounding men, women, and children equally (most of the amputated limbs are from kids under 15, actually. Rape is still just on women.)

But is this movie JUST about killing? HELL YES! Mr. Stallone wrote, directed, and starred in this gem, meaning the dialogue is as trite as an episode of Full House, as short and void as the dialogue from Rocky I (every other word by Rambo is predictably “Fuck;” frat boys could make a drinking game out of it), all while being as poorly delivered as a high school production of Death of Salesman. At least that meant Rambo didn’t talk that much. All the supplementary actors, which were only there to illicit response from Stallone, er, Rambo (easy to confuse actors’ egos with their characters’), do the best they can with what they get. Though you can’t polish a turd, they spit shine with the best of their abilities. But the bloodshed that ensues, good god! It’s like walking through the Holocaust museum . . . you know, without all the Zyclon-B and piles of shoes. Guilt and nausea still apply. With horror split evenly between exaggerated firearms and melee/sword style carnage, this could be the most violent movie in recent memory (granted, I fell asleep in Mel Gibson’s latest racist escapade.)

Parents, take your kids to see this film. These are the values we hold dearest here in America, right on a screen so you don’t have to waste time talking to your offspring. “American/Christian values will always prevail, fight them over there so we don’t have to fight them here, and least but certainly not last, shoot first and ask later.” God bless Sly.

P.S. I forgot the spoiler alert about all the violence. My bad.

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Tags: Movies, Rambo, Reviews, Sylvester Stallone